if i was a bell, which i'm surely not--what a ridiculous thought--

[subsidence]

they don't say much to me here as they seem afraid to do so
but they do say that you're not often home these days

a very busy man, they tell me
always hard at work
but they tell me little else

hard at work as you are, have you any time?

Comments

[embankment]

[...]

I thought to make an example of myself for the men and women of my household.

[...

...just how sacrilegious is it to tell lies to a saint?

Damn it.]

But you did not happen to hear a single one of my prayers, now did you? So it goes.

[subsidence]

[He didn't brace himself for it. He shouldn't have had to.

Aymeric shouldn't have had to, he knows. He has to swallow that understanding into himself, let it go to his center, let it take root.]

well now.
mayhap it wasn't going the correct route
i can't hear a thing that is headed off to somewhere beside my ear

[...]

i may not be enshrined or set beside a man's bed in the night and i've not that holy countenance which is insisted upon as my own
but my flesh and blood ear can catch more i'd say

if something should be put into it

[embankment]

I am not a man given to delusional euphoria, Estinien. I know full well only the Saint would have the patience to listen to a collection of prayers spanning nearly three years.

[subsidence]

aymeric, if you remember anything of me beyond the porcelain and candles i want it to be that i will do what needs doing for a very long time.

tis a worthy material time is
i know how to work with it

[embankment]

If I remember anything of you, it is that you were not in the least interested in my petty wants and pettier wishes.

[subsidence]

then it is not just my body which has done you a disservice but the very memory of me.

[Here is a good time to take another drink from this bottle of wine. Estinien had picked a very light one, not at all bitter, and now he regrets that. The votive candle in this prayer room flickers for his presence, stirred by his movements, and its disruption suggests as much as anything else that he should not be here.]

i confess i envy this other estinien.
much easier for him to sit perfectly still and then receive the reward of whatever secrets you told him
he doesn't seem to me like a scoundrel but a man deserving of his heroic silhouette

handsome fellow too come to think of it

[embankment]

I told Him everything. Everything. There is not a single stitch of me that His Holiness does not know like the redeeming grip of His lance.

[...]

Every man must contend with the riddle of grief in their own way.

[subsidence]

[Estinien has to close the door on this shrine of reverent devotion before he commits a terrible mistake. He does that, and then he's left leaning against the door frame.]

not a single stitch? aymeric.

[Come, now.]

[embankment]

[By the grace of the Fury, Estinien will never come to know the sound of Aymeric's sharp and painful inhale.]

Only a scoundrel would dare to think such thoughts...

[subsidence]

regrettably i am a scoundrel and undeserving of my heroic silhouette
unlike this man who sits so still beside your bed

[But--look, he didn't come here to be cruel about it. That's not what he intended. It's just--well, he's already confessed to his envy.]

if the embers of how you remember me tell you that i never paid mind to your pettiest wants, you ought to let me reignite your memory

[embankment]

If I give to you an ilm of me, you will not be able to resist taking malms upon malms.

[It seems he remembers more than a few things about this man and the silhouette he made.]

[subsidence]

aye and i won't get lost as i'm familiar with the terrain. the stitching as it were.
i admit to it. in that respect i am no less the man you knew in wanting more than an ilm of you.

[embankment]

Tell me why I should do that when all you've done is make a mockery of my faith.

[subsidence]

how have i? i don't know what to mock if you haven't told me what you've asked him for.

am i mocking you by being hot flesh and blood, aymeric?

[embankment]

[It's currently far below freezing outside--another miserable, soul-crushing season of winter. It doesn't make any sense that his office should be boiling.]

I asked Him to give me everything.

Hot flesh and blood included.

[subsidence]

i am not mocking you when i say that it is not him who walked me here. i am the one who brought all that i am back to the city.
i did it late and i did it poorly.
but it was me.

and if anyone is going to give it to you twill only be me as well.

here. you've told me only one of your prayers and it's one i could easily answer.

[embankment]

You are the most indelicate man I have ever had the displeasure of meeting.

[He could leave it here. He should leave it here. He has barely made a dent in this mountain of paperwork and his forehead is dripping with sweat. His forehead is dripping. He should...]

When I believed you to be dead, I felt as though I too deserved death.

Is that what you want to hear?

Is that enough for your greedy gullet?

[subsidence]

it isn't. you said you spoke to him for 3 years. you didn't only tell him that.

[embankment]

I told Him all the things I would be ashamed to tell you. Leave me to the shreds of my pride, if you would.

[subsidence]

when i returned here, my endeavor was to refrain from leaving you to mere shreds of anything.

[embankment]

Looking to fill me back up, are you? This ewer of yours had best be prepared for an eternity of pouring.

[subsidence]

[To be granted a remark like that is, at once, an undeniable relief--and a greater strain, a tauter tension.]

i won't let porcelain outpace me.

[embankment]

[...

If a written message can be tentative, then this one will be:]

You were being serious, then.

[subsidence]

and why wouldn't i be serious? where you have been made to contend with grief i must contend with the weight and the breadth of the time i did surrender
this i can accept
time is a material as i've said
whether the choice to use it was noble or foul, i did use it

but now i am also held to wrestle with the knowledge that it has been granted unto someone else

[embankment]

[Insanity.

There is no other word for it. For this blatant display of...

It's insanity.]

You are indeed envious toward the porcelain statuette of Saint Estinien of Ferndale that I keep on my bedside table. Do I have the right of it?

[So why, pray tell, is Aymeric smiling about it?]