if i was a bell, which i'm surely not--what a ridiculous thought--

[subsidence]

they don't say much to me here as they seem afraid to do so
but they do say that you're not often home these days

a very busy man, they tell me
always hard at work
but they tell me little else

hard at work as you are, have you any time?

Comments

[embankment]

[Hard at work as he is, it only takes him a minute or two to reply:]

'Tis to be expected. They are good, gods-fearing men and women, from the first to the last.

[subsidence]

[Well, he hadn't braced himself to hear back just like that--but he shouldn't have had to. Onward, Estinien.]

yes i can tell. they fear and they fear and they pray and they pray.
fair bit of handwringing too.

[Damn it.]

not that i'm chiding them for all that on its own
but they've certainly bought in to what they feel is my part in this

indeed i am learning your household is very pious

[embankment]

If you were to ask them, they would doubtless say their prayers have been answered. They would say their faith has been rewarded by tenfold, by a hundredfold. Their sacrifices, meaningful. Their anguish, exalting. Praise be to the Fury and all of Her saints.

[...]

I'm not expecting you to approve of it. This is simply the way of things.

[subsidence]

tis the way of things aye i cannot be blinded to that. i have seen how deeply it has become the way.

but i do not understand how this happened

a saint is one from whom a man begs blessings and grace and favor
patronage

i don't quite know what patronage has been asked of me, aymeric
nor who has asked it

[embankment]

You are the patron saint of unrealized truths and unimagined triumphs. A man falsely accused of a heinous crime may petition your aid in proving his innocence. A woman, long abused by her husband, may turn to you for the courage to liberate herself from his clutches. An orphan, hungry, forgotten, may pray to you for a welcoming family and a hearty meal to go with them. You are a source of comfort and conviction, and inspiration, and independence. You're gathered around as one does with the hearth in the middle of winter.

As I said, I'm not expecting you to approve of it.

[subsidence]

[It's good he can't curse at Aymeric right now without the chance to stay his tongue. It's good. It's better that way.]

i am not asking just to dismiss it out of hand
i am asking because i didn't know

do you really think it happens like that
from people
the praying

i would have reckoned it's just the statues and all to make a statement

[embankment]

For better or worse, each and every saint anointed prior to the end of the Dragonsong War is regarded with an air of suspicion and distrust.

The people were most desperate for the genuine article.

[subsidence]

[If it was an intentional blow, the aim was true. Well, Estinien would trust no other hand to be more steady.]

while they don't say much to me here but they did mention one more thing
your own faith has been particularly inspiring

[embankment]

[...]

I thought to make an example of myself for the men and women of my household.

[...

...just how sacrilegious is it to tell lies to a saint?

Damn it.]

But you did not happen to hear a single one of my prayers, now did you? So it goes.

[subsidence]

[He didn't brace himself for it. He shouldn't have had to.

Aymeric shouldn't have had to, he knows. He has to swallow that understanding into himself, let it go to his center, let it take root.]

well now.
mayhap it wasn't going the correct route
i can't hear a thing that is headed off to somewhere beside my ear

[...]

i may not be enshrined or set beside a man's bed in the night and i've not that holy countenance which is insisted upon as my own
but my flesh and blood ear can catch more i'd say

if something should be put into it

[embankment]

I am not a man given to delusional euphoria, Estinien. I know full well only the Saint would have the patience to listen to a collection of prayers spanning nearly three years.

[subsidence]

aymeric, if you remember anything of me beyond the porcelain and candles i want it to be that i will do what needs doing for a very long time.

tis a worthy material time is
i know how to work with it

[embankment]

If I remember anything of you, it is that you were not in the least interested in my petty wants and pettier wishes.

[subsidence]

then it is not just my body which has done you a disservice but the very memory of me.

[Here is a good time to take another drink from this bottle of wine. Estinien had picked a very light one, not at all bitter, and now he regrets that. The votive candle in this prayer room flickers for his presence, stirred by his movements, and its disruption suggests as much as anything else that he should not be here.]

i confess i envy this other estinien.
much easier for him to sit perfectly still and then receive the reward of whatever secrets you told him
he doesn't seem to me like a scoundrel but a man deserving of his heroic silhouette

handsome fellow too come to think of it

[embankment]

I told Him everything. Everything. There is not a single stitch of me that His Holiness does not know like the redeeming grip of His lance.

[...]

Every man must contend with the riddle of grief in their own way.

[subsidence]

[Estinien has to close the door on this shrine of reverent devotion before he commits a terrible mistake. He does that, and then he's left leaning against the door frame.]

not a single stitch? aymeric.

[Come, now.]

[embankment]

[By the grace of the Fury, Estinien will never come to know the sound of Aymeric's sharp and painful inhale.]

Only a scoundrel would dare to think such thoughts...

[subsidence]

regrettably i am a scoundrel and undeserving of my heroic silhouette
unlike this man who sits so still beside your bed

[But--look, he didn't come here to be cruel about it. That's not what he intended. It's just--well, he's already confessed to his envy.]

if the embers of how you remember me tell you that i never paid mind to your pettiest wants, you ought to let me reignite your memory

[embankment]

If I give to you an ilm of me, you will not be able to resist taking malms upon malms.

[It seems he remembers more than a few things about this man and the silhouette he made.]

[subsidence]

aye and i won't get lost as i'm familiar with the terrain. the stitching as it were.
i admit to it. in that respect i am no less the man you knew in wanting more than an ilm of you.

[embankment]

Tell me why I should do that when all you've done is make a mockery of my faith.

[subsidence]

how have i? i don't know what to mock if you haven't told me what you've asked him for.

am i mocking you by being hot flesh and blood, aymeric?

[embankment]

[It's currently far below freezing outside--another miserable, soul-crushing season of winter. It doesn't make any sense that his office should be boiling.]

I asked Him to give me everything.

Hot flesh and blood included.

[subsidence]

i am not mocking you when i say that it is not him who walked me here. i am the one who brought all that i am back to the city.
i did it late and i did it poorly.
but it was me.

and if anyone is going to give it to you twill only be me as well.

here. you've told me only one of your prayers and it's one i could easily answer.

[embankment]

You are the most indelicate man I have ever had the displeasure of meeting.

[He could leave it here. He should leave it here. He has barely made a dent in this mountain of paperwork and his forehead is dripping with sweat. His forehead is dripping. He should...]

When I believed you to be dead, I felt as though I too deserved death.

Is that what you want to hear?

Is that enough for your greedy gullet?